Maybe Next January

I didn't make it to nursing school, after all. A few things did not fall into place: they did not give me enough financial aid to cover the expenses of maintaining two residences, a few new medical tests were added at the last minute, and then my daughter's wedding on Feb 7 in Indianapolis kinda meant that I would be furiously driving or flying, starting the semester missing classes and clinical days, and I don't do chaos well.

Then, after deciding not to go to school, I suddenly got two new roommates: so, briefly, I felt kinda badly about the financial issue. However, then one of them decided that he was not happy living here with a cat in the downstairs room, so he is leaving. And, my young girl roommate gave me her notice that she is moving into an apt with her boyfriend on March 1. So, I had three roommates for just one month.

It's not as bad as it sounds, because the girl roommate will be vacating the master bedroom downstairs so I can live there, and renovate it. The guy who is leaving is very obnoxious, talks all of the time, and has filled the refrigerator with a lot of food--he likes to eat. The other roommate seems like a keeper: he works as a handyman at an extended-stay motel chain, so is a "fixer" person who is anxious to do yard work as well as housekeeping tasks in the house. He even has a pressure-washer at his work that he wants to use here to clean the pool screens and the driveway. So, even though I will just have one paying roommate, it could turn out to be a very good one.

I am watching A FEW GOOD MEN, my usual movie that I let play when I am in my room--no cable up here. I have to go to the library to get some more dvds to watch.

I am hoping to go to nursing school next January: there is a nurse with whom I can stay, and, I hope, I will have another roommate or two to cover the expenses here. Of course, ideally I will meet a wonderful fellow with whom to share a life with, but, at least I have a Plan B firmly in place.

In the meanwhile, I am working on writing a book about mid-life dating, focusing on internet dating, honing a stand-up routine with the same topic, and getting this house updated as much as my tiny income can handle. I am going to try to get a grunt job at the hospital just to get more comfortable in that setting, but I also do not want to spend the summer here. I have an interest in going to Ireland, staying a long while, and just doing the whole UK before I die. Otherwise, I still want to go to NY, or Maine, or Canada or anywhere but Florida in summertime.

I am recovering from my daughter's wedding which was very stressful for me: for some reason, nothing I did was right, and I felt just awful the whole time. She had asked me to NOT bring a date, so I found myself to be the only single person in every circumstance. This might work for some people, but I have had some guy to lean on in every situation since I was five years old. My hotel was downtown but everyone else stayed at the same hotel in the suburbs, so they were all bumping into each other at breakfast and so forth. I had made my truck available for people to be ferried back and forth between airports and hotels and gatherings, and when it was time for me to leave, the steering had gone out, so I had to take it to a garage for a four-hour repair before I drove back home.

At the last minute I was asked to write a poem for the wedding, which I did: I brought 30 candle holders and candles in my truck, which I set up before the wedding, and spent a lot of time around my daughter and the bridesmaids, feeling left out, just like at my hotel. Every suggestion I gave was not good, and the shrug I bought to wear over my dress was not acceptable, so I had to carry this black stole to put over me because "strapless" was not the uniform of the day. I spent most of the reception dancing with strangers and other people's escorts, husbands, and even with some women.

It was good to head home in my truck with the newly-repaired steering (375 dollars), stopping at my friend, Don's, house outside Pittsburgh, then my cousin Barbara's in Kentucky, and finally in Atlanta at my cousin, Dave's home. Dave had attended the wedding with his wife, but was in Ethiopia by the time I got to his house. Barbara and I had fun: I cooked dinner for us, and we chatted. She and my ex-sister-in-law both told me that I was very cordial at the wedding, and gave no indication that my heart was breaking. They said I was a "class act" and that helped, a little. 

My cousin in Kentucky has remodeled her little farmhouse into a seven-bedroom Farmhouse with a capital "F." It is just great, roomy: the upstairs has five guest bedrooms and a bathroom with a huge bathtub that I enjoyed so much. She has invited me to visit anytime, and we have already talked about me spending several weeks there during the summer. My aunt and uncle live with this cousin and her husband. It's a fun place with acres of growing things, a huge garden, a tractor, and barns. She even has a big patio with a firepot that we can sit by at night.

Now I am home, still very tired, but, I suppose, I will get a renewal of energy tomorrow. It is Valentine's Day, and my sweet sons set me flowers, and my baby daughter and her boyfriend sent me Godiva chocolate, so I won't feel completely blanked on Sweetheart's Day. I guess I will go to the library tomorrow for more dvds to watch, and then get some blueberries, eggs, and fish which is on sale at Albertson's.

Eating a large Rib-eye

Yes, I really am doing just that, while blogging and watching a PBS program about the Tennessee Valley Authority.  Apparently, before the dams were  built, the area flooded out every year, and the flooding killed the land so that crops did not do very well. One witness from days past said that "we never knew when the Depression hit: we were always in a depression." May 18, 1933 the TVA was approved. 

The project provided jobs to the people, electricity, which they had not had at all (it was said that the people were living 100 years behind the rest of the world--now I am understanding the whole Cleveland thing...), and moved a bunch of them to new digs. They even moved 5,000 graves before the designated area was flooded.

The steak and veggies are gone, by the way--a huge cholesterol bomb for me to try to disperse for the rest of the day. Last comment on TVA:  the "mountain people" really are a bit different.  They talk about how their lives were changed when "the lights went on." Another lady told how she cried because she could, finally, have running water inside the house. 

I am hanging on the fence regarding returning to nursing school: I am realizing that it is going to force me to rush back and forth to Mel's wedding, when I want to be able to relax and play mother-of-of-the-bride, and leave at a leisurely pace on the Monday after. I also realize that I will never be able to do the get-up-early-commute-to-work thing: I am too devoted to my "semi-retired" lifestyle. I also have no stamina, and every time I get even slightly excited, I get a hot flash, with heat rising from my waist to my face, breaking out in a sweat. This is because I had to stop taking estrogen because of female issues.  When I was in nursing school before, I was taking hormones and never ever had such a thing happen, even though, sometimes in the hospital part, I DID break out in a sweat.

So I am feeling like going back to nursing might be a way to seriously complicate an otherwise simple life. The question I keep asking myself is what I will do, once I am finished? I won't want a REAL job, but some sort of part-time POSITION, and I don't think, at age 60, regardless of how old I look, anyone will want me for any such job.

Oh well, it's a choice I have to make very soon. Aside from that, I am still living here with my one girl roommate who is always with her boyfriend, so she has never become any sort of companion for me. I am glad, however, that there is another person in the house with me. I would like to get more roommates, but, so far, respondents to my ad on Craigslist have not been appropriate, and one or two did come by but decided to get a place closer to their work, or just remained where they were. 

Tomorrow I am driving over to Jay's to visit and babysit the  peanuts while he and Amy go to a fundraising thing for the school. Fun for Nana.

End of a Family Holiday

Yes, we did Christmas, three of my four children, all of my two granddaughters, and way too much eating of chocolate (why did I have to consume a bag of popcorn each night, in addition to everything else?). But we, Taylors, prevailed, and a new year is almost upon us. As we all know, the gifts were not the high point: just being together rocked. But we missed our Melanie and her soon-to-be husband, also a Taylor (and why would I ever change my name back to Cawley?).

Now, back in Valrico, we are still a family, but just Sean and Robin, and my big brother, Pat, are here, for another few days. Then, each of us will return to our separate lives, enriched by our time spent together. 

That 15 foot tree, or whatever it is, is waiting to be stripped and put away, the weeds in the yard are waiting to be pulled, and I have to start packing for my next adventure.

Joy.

Presidents: The New Pharoahs

Yes, I was just reading where the Saudis and other less-than-desirables have donated funds for the Clinton library. It hit me, just then, that these Presidential Libraries are like the Pyramids of old, one man's quest for immortality. They all do it, and it is just the same thing; that's all it is.

Great excitement for me that my baby boy and his darling sweetheart are coming here to Tampa to spend eight days of the holiday. Just having them in the same airspace, and then being fortunate to be going across the state for four days at Christmas, where I will see my other son's family which includes my granddaughters, is a welcome event in my rather staid life.

I am checking into reviving my nursing career, as well as writing what I hope to be a funny tale of Internet dating--it isn't pretty, but it is funny, and my experiences do reflect the fact that, at least in my case, it doesn't work. But, like so many life experiences, it is one worth having.

Florida is beautiful now--fifties at night, seventies during the days (although it seems to be sneaking above eighty lately), and I can guess the joy that northerners feel when they deplane here.

I have two identical dresses to wear to my daughter's upcoming wedding in February. One is too small and the other is too big. Why is it always like this? Irony dwelleth here.

Another Happy to Be Me Day

 What is amazing is that I realize this indisputable fact: I am in a very good place, and likely to not find a better one. My greatest joy, that my four children turned-out just fine, has given me a personal peace that few people ever get. I am thrilled just existing each day. To add a chunk of frosting on that, I do not have to work to provide for essentials, and a little bit more, nor do I feel badly about spending my time doing exactly what I want to do.

  Many people in my exact position, chronologically, and financially, would THINK or FEEL that they need MORE money for, well, more things. I am not, nor have ever been enamored of things, so I am content with what I have. I am fully aware of my mortality, causing me to not waste the time I "have left" pursuing false gods or foolish "bling." I know that, at least, some of my children feel that I have some sort of exalted destiny, but I think that I might be closer to the Buddhist "being" person than most people. 

  Yes, I would like to leave a great book  that STAYS IN PRINT when I die, but leaving a mediocre tome of dubious value does not fascinate me. I would very much like to look better than I do, lose some wrinkles and manage to adjust my overall figure somewhat, but, I know that I am not capable of doing that--so I am okay with what I have, and just try to do an hour or so of vigorous exercise about every day, while keeping good hygiene and a decent hair color. 

  And yes, I would like a sweetheart whom I could love and trust: not one I have to explain to others, one I have to tolerate or one I have to support. Just those three caveats seem to eliminate everyone I have met so far. I am learning why so many of my single friends say that they have learned to settle for friendships, as a relationship brings more bad than good, over time. It is beginning to make sense, for people of my age group who already have children. 

  So, I am enjoying each day, knowing that I don't know what the next will bring, and it, most likely, won't be any better than right now. And so, I will take my leisurely bath, then do some re-arranging of my home, maybe dig a hole or two in my front yard, and, generally, enjoy the 70 degree day. Later tonight, I will go to the gym, then to a store to get candle holders for my daughter's wedding, and then stop at Wal-mart on my way home to pick up a few things. 

  There is a loneliness aspect to this sort of life, but I still live with the belief that it will work out for the best. Maybe right now is the best, and if it is so, I am going to appreciate it. 

  After all, I really did already get my wish: this is all gravy, and very peaceful.

Dinner at Stonewood

Stonewood Tavern and Grill is a very upscale chain restaurant that features all booth seating, and the currently popular menu of fish, steak and creamed spinach. I met a guy there for dinner, yesterday: he had driven four hours from Georgia for this experience: I drove 18 minutes, so I did not feel overly burdened. But the three-hour meal was not without its entertainment.

Seems this fellow spends a month in the South of France each summer--at one of their nude beaches! I thought that he went there for the culture, the scenery and the food. Silly me: he was trying to sign me up to peel and swim. When I, politely demurred, thinking that the conversation would proceed on to other things, I was nonplussed as he continued to tell the joys of nudity, especially with his assortment of "friends" who were all women. Just why he found this topic so compelling puzzled me, but then, people get their jollies in particular ways. 

It was another disappointment for me, to meet still another middle-aged fellow who was totally immersed in his life, his pastimes, and seemed to be seeking yet another potential nudist to sit beside him at the shore. I mentioned that I did not like getting sand in my privates, and that I did not enjoy viewing nude people, save one, specific fellow whom I did not name, nor describe. 

This evening became excruciating, saved only by the fact that he had to drive four hours back to his home. I was relieved to return to my "clothing required" home, and to say farewell to this very sad, Hugh Heffner wannabe. I wished him peace, no pun intended, and godspeed.

And so, tonight I am dragging boxes down the ladder from the attic, boxes of Christmas decorations, and happy to be me. People get very odd as they age, alone. I hope I am not like that.

Beautiful Overcast Day

and we are even having occasional showers. Florida gets way too much sunshine, so I am always pleased when a cloudy day comes along.  As for the yard, well, I try to do one thing every day: today I am going to mulch an area. If I get really ambitious, I will dig holes to move three or four crotons into.

The cable guy is here, discovering that the other installer did, in fact, fail to hook up the cable in the proper room: I always worry when I cannot make something electronic work, that another person will just pick it up and turn it "on" and I will feel like the usual dope. This, recently, happened with MacBook, which would not load my Safari browser for about a day and a half. I took it in, to the Apple Store at the mall, and it worked perfectly, making me feel like a dimwad. It was good for one, thing, however, as the technician there loaded Mozilla Firefox for me, so I would have an option in the future. 

The meatballs are cooking in the sauce, and I am about to launch into making a new recipe for Pumpkin Bars--I am going to substitute pecans for the raisins. Tomorrow I am making a carrot cake. I have no plans for Thanksgiving, other than to heat a TV dinner, homemade, but one of five I put together to give to my parents when I next see them, along with the breast meat that I put into the freezer for them. I plan to get a lot of things done around my house, though, such as moving things from bags and piles into drawers and closets. 

I would stop this boring prattle, but the cable guy is still working, putting in an extra cable for me so that I can watch TV in the kitchen, and my internet is out, so all I can do is to keep typing along until he is done. I am guessing that I will offer him a tip of some sort, maybe ten dollars, for putting it in for me, through the wall, and all. That was not why he came out--it was because of the non-working cable: I just asked him for a "favor" being as I am "all alone" here. 

I have to find a drill because one table leg's hole is too deep for the longest bolt made: this very masculine woman at Home Depot told me how to fix it: drill the hold big enough so that I can fit the 5/12 inch dowel in the hole. Measure the depth of the hole, cut the dowel the correct length (like two inches, max), put glue in the hole, put the dowel in to dry. The next day, drill a new hole, right into the now hardened dowel area, and screw the bolt into that hole, and now it will work.

Now, to find a drill...